The old lady, the conductor, the girl in the bus.

Right after getting off the train, I would look for this homeless old lady from China and talk to her, every day. After listening to her talking about how she is thinking of a way to EARN money properly, I left to wait for the bus. When the bus arrived, this other old lady, who is in charge of conducting the traffic for people to, orderly, board was shouting and giving out instructions. All I can see was her, waving her hands around and shouting. After a few minutes listening to her, I begin to realize that she wasn't just shouting at people so they can hear her instructing. She was shouting at people complaining about how miserable her life is. I felt bad for her. So I said to her "Sabarlah kak." (Sis, take it easy.) This was what I meant. But she thought I asked her to be patient. So her reply to me was "BOLEHKAH SAYA SABAR?! HARI-HARI JAM 4 PAGI BERDIRI DI SINI SAMPAI JAM 10 MALAM, TAK BOLEH TIDUR PUN! MACAM MANA NAK SABAR?! TAK ADA ORANG KASIAN SAYA JUGA!!!" (How can I take it easy when I have to reach here at 4am every morning to stand here until 10pm at night? I don't even get to sleep! Take it easy?! No one would pity me anyway!) After everybody was settled in, she gave us a briefing about the new bus system that has taken effect since the first day of the month. Everyone was tired and grumpy, wanted to go home ASAP. She repeated her speech three times, which got everyone impatient. This one girl standing next to me was giving "the face".

I was thinking to myself...

Hmm... What are the conductor and the girl in the bus complaining about? The old China lady, who has nothing at all (no job, no house, no food, with just a blanket to keep herself from freezing to death in the streets), is trying to find a way for herself to earn money because she is sick of feeling ashamed whenever people put money in to her empty cup.
If only they saw what was really going on around them, they would have realized how happy they should feel being able to earn money and feeling impatient to go back home.

After coming home, while I was in the shower, I thought of how ungrateful people can be, including me. We are too ignorant to see what real suffering is. Yes, what the conductor said was partially right. People like her and the girl in the bus are people who ACTUALLY need sympathizing and pitying.

I love this quote said by Dumbledore, in Harry Potter, that goes like "Do not pity the dead. Pity the living. And above all, pity those who live without love."

I pity those who live without love because they are ignorant.
I pity those who live without love because they are selfish.
I pity those who live without love because they are ungrateful.
I pity those who live without love because they are unable to love others before themselves.
That these people don't know where real joy comes from.

I pity these people because they never got to know how blessed they are compared to the old lady.

The old lady had nothing, that's how she can appreciate the littlest things that she can get from strangers. People pass by her every day, and can’t even see that she is struggling more than the rest of us to survive.

Today, before I sat down with the old lady, I asked her if she needed food. She told me that my company is more than enough. If she knows true gratitude and appreciation, then what more people like us?

STOP AND THINK BEFORE YOU SHARE! I beg you to read this!

What you do online, the things you post and the videos you share have great power in influencing others who can see them. Just remember that when you post something, it will stay there and circulate until you and everybody else takes it down (if you are bothered to take it down). Things circulate forever online, and messages spread faster than the speed of light (just an expression, it logically doesn't). Whatever you post shows what kind of a person you are, and it really can influence you as much as it does to others.

Here’s a little scenario to help you understand why.

So you post something online, in hopes that you get feedback. Let’s say, you’re feeling good today, and you want to share your joy. So you post something nice online, hoping to get positive feedback and that someone will be inspired by what you posted. You start scrolling through the comments; most of the responses are pleasant… Until that one bad seed pops out of nowhere complaining about how miserable they are. Doesn’t that just ruin the mellow vibe that you are trying to set through your post? Feel free to yell “PARTY POOPER!”

Matthew 15:11 says: What goes into someone's mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them.

It goes the same with what you feed other people's minds with. We, with our human minds, are drawn to and are influenced too easily by negative things. If one little negative comment can spoil everything for your, intentionally good, post, then what more posting negative things on your social media accounts every single day!

Be careful of what you post online. If you need to complain, find someone who can listen and help you with your problems, there are billions and billions of people in the world; you will eventually find someone who is willing to give you his or her time to care for you. Do not dwell in the junk that makes you unhappy, it’s like living in a stinky dumpster! Find a way to solve your problems. It will make life so much easier to live through. Lastly, be a blessing to someone and keep yourself happy as well. Stop posting negative things online because not only can it deliver bad news to someone, but you will realize that you are also swimming in that filthy mud puddle!

Be happy!

Like a child listening to a mother sing the comforting tunes of a familiar lullaby...

I want to listen to You, Father,

Until I fall asleep.

Until the feeling of comfort, safety and warmth

Huddle up around me

Like mountains of soft and feathery, pillows that I can hold and Lean on during sleepless nights...

Sleepless nights, because I cried...

Cried because of emptiness, because of brokenness

Because of frustration and tiredness

Because of getting hurt again and again!

Hurt by the ones that I love!

But do not love back...

I cried... You prayed...

You prayed, Jesus, You prayed while I wept!

You prayed in the darkness that I was sleeping in

You prayed hope, in to my life....

Truth or Dare?

In the book of John, Chapter 18, talks about Jesus' arrest. Most of us know the story of Judas betraying Jesus, and how later on He was led to crucifixion. In the process of His arrest, He was tested many times, over and over again. But He was persistent with his answer, and never once He tried to defend Himself although He was asked to justify His actions, which we know that has not violated any law. 

Other than the obvious, there were a couple of things that are worth highlighting in chapter 18. Before we go in to further discussion about the chapter, I want you, my dear reader, to do a little bit of warming up. Now, we have all played the game of truth or dare. Neither choice gave us an easy way out. You are either asked to spill your best kept secrets to everyone, or you decide to take up a challenge, which most of the time is something you do not want to do or something that is "face threatening", which means you embarrass yourself in front of everybody and risk having a recorded video of you going viral if the game gets a little bit too crazy.

In chapter 18, the scenario is exactly like what it is in the game of truth or dare. So how is that so?

1. Jesus and Judas.

From Luke 22 and Matthew 27:3, we know that Judas betrayed Jesus for 30 pieces of silver but in the end committed suicide because of the overwhelming guilt he felt knowing that he had condemned innocent blood (Jesus), as said in Matthew 27. 

2. Jesus and the people who came to arrest Him.

In John 18:6, Jesus was outnumbered, the group that came for Jesus' arrest (which includes Judas), came with torches and weapons. But when they asked for Jesus, Jesus turned Himself in and asked that the others are given the chance to go. Not only that, when Jesus answered "I am He", they drew back and fell to the ground. In the commentaries that I read from biblehub.com, it was mentioned, accompanied by citations, that this is a natural reaction when facing terror and/or sudden awe and that it was the result of fear/terror trembling before truth. From this we can see the first demonstration of the power of truth.

3. Jesus and Peter

Throughout John 18, Peter stood by Jesus, but in the end, fulfilling what Jesus has predicted, he denied Jesus three times. Peter's responses has etched a very deep and clear contrast between Jesus and him (representing the weakness of human beings). 

• Verse 10: Peter wanted to protect Jesus, but his actions has completely contradict the teachings of Jesus, which is to not commit murder. When Peter drew the sword, he was attempting to cut off Malchus' head but he missed and cut off his ear instead, which you can read further here (Peter's attempt).
• Verse 11: Jesus' response was nothing like Peter's. Instead, he asked Peter to put his sword back and boldly take on His destiny.
• Verse 16-17: Peter denied Jesus for the first time.
• Verse 25-27: Peter denied Jesus the second and third time, thus fulfilling Jesus' prediction in Matthew 26:34.

4. Jesus's trial

In the following verses show how Jesus was so persistent with his answers. This shows that He lives by what he preaches. Most of the time, He need not justify Himself, but He lets his teachings do the justification by themselves for Him. All this while He preached about truth and all He said is the truth. There was no need for Him to find proof because the proof was there wherever he has set His foot on. 

• Verse 20-21
• Verse 23
• The conversation that took place when Pilate was interrogating Jesus. 

Now in verse 22, Jesus did not withdraw after being struck by one of the officials. This shows that Jesus did not submit to human authority, but submitted completely to God's authority by telling the truth. Not only that, when Pilate was interrogating Jesus, He stood firm saying this, although it was against Pilate's nature to believe in the in the supernatural.

Now, after reading all of that, think of yourself in Jesus' shoes. No, it was not easy for Him to go through this whole chapter, because He was just as human as we are when this happened. He had fears and weaknesses just as we have, but he never took the easy way out. To be honest to you, I would have fled, cried and begged. What would you have done? Would you deny Jesus like Peter did? Or would you follow Jesus' example and stand by the truth? Would you have taken the courage to stand for the One that sacrificed Himself for you? 

A lot of times we would lie to get out of sticky situations, we would even lie in none life-threatening situations to save our faces; where Jesus, facing death, acted with honesty. Some of you might have served and preached for a very long time in church. But I want to give you something to think about everyday. Will the things you do in life, so called "for God/Christ", mean anything to you when all you can chose is either to deny Christ or die? I, as a Christian, made the choice to follow Christ, and I aspire to be the Christian who will not deny Christ when persecution comes and I hope that you will do the same. The truth is worth dying for because the truth died for us. 

Talking to Your Problems

In one of the recent services, the preacher told us this:

DON'T TALK TO GOD ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS.

TALK TO YOUR PROBLEMS ABOUT GOD!

My biggest was guilt. I take things too seriously, and when I make a mistake, I let it haunt me for a week! I keep feeding it with these thoughts in my head, telling me that I will get severely punished by God or the people around me. That I was a huge disappointment to everyone. With no way to make the past right again. To be honest, nobody cares about what I've done. Yes, it was a mistake, I shouldn't have done whatever it is that I did back then. But the people who were involved never blamed me for what happened, they never condemn me, instead, they give me encouragement, telling me that I can improve, telling me that I have the potential to do better, and they move on with their lives! I think too much, and I overthink A LOT. I make assumptions, thinking that the problem is big when the size of the actual problem can't amount to the size of a spec of dust! (Oh gosh, what have I done to myself?!)

Whenever I face guilt, I keep reminding myself over and over again, the same words the preacher said. I picked up my mirror, gave my problems a form (which is my own reflection), and say to her that she has no grip on my life and she will not get the better of me! Because I have a living and loving God in me and I trust in Him! Through this practice, I find it easier now to forgive and accept other people and especially myself. (Hooraaaayyy!!!)

Believe me, I can assure you, that God knows your problems BEFORE you even realize or see them coming! Yes, telling God about your problems can help you relieve your burden a little bit, let you blow off some steam. But have you ever tried to turn to your "big" problems and tell them that there is a BIGGER God that loves you, and would not let anything harm you?

Like water or air, your problems don't have a form or shape, and sometimes, you can't even see them.

Most of the time, we cannot mend or fix what we cannot see, mostly because we have a fear of the things unseen.

Have you ever heard your own voice, talking to you in your head saying:

I am unwanted.

I am unworthy.

I am invisible.

I am useless.

I'm not good enough for people.

Maybe I should just give up. Maybe it's true when people tell me that I shouldn't even exist.

and somehow, that voice knows what your hopes and dreams are and uses them against you, it also knows your weaknesses and fears. That voice can be too overpowering sometimes.That it drives you to think of suicide. Drives you towards depression and anxiety. Drives you to FEAR.

Give these things a form, and you will realize, they are NASTY parasites living inside of you. 

No, I'm not talking about slimy disgusting worms. I'm talking about how they are things that suck the life force out of you, it takes away your happiness, your relationship with the people that you love and love you back, and it feeds on your negative thoughts. Keep these negative thoughts, and they will keep feeding on it and grow INSIDE of you. Yes, it's scary and gross. But let it starve, and they will starve to death. Just like that pet goldfish you never bother to feed! ( I hope you've never had that pet goldfish in your life. )

So grab your problems and tell them that they need to look out because there is a BIGGER God who's got your back!

Seeking God

I was still too young to understand what my mom meant when she said "there is a heavenly father, God, who looks after us. There was really nothing much that I could recall from what my mom first told me about this "God" that she believed in. I grew up in a family of non-believers. My grandfather and father always laughed at how Christians pray to God and seek for help from something that does not exist. Whenever I tell my father that I want to visit a church one day, he'd always respond saying "Churches are boring, all you do is sit and wait for hours for the preacher to finish talking. What are you going to do there?" bear in mind that I was still only a little kid who knew nothing, but something in my mind kept on telling me back then that church is more than just what my father told me.

At the age of 12, I joined a children's camp in my classmate's church, and started attending Sunday school with her every week. I remember I would wake up very early and have breakfast with my great grandmother who attended the same church, and wait for the church van to pick us up. At one point, I stopped going to church because I was going to sit for one of the most important exams that year.

Let's fast forward a bit to when I was 14 years old, the age when I started going to church again and accepted Christ after a while of attending another friend's church. When I first accepted Christ, I still didn't know much about Jesus, God and church. Through time, I got to know God a little bit more. This particular church was not very strict, and they accepted me anyway, despite of me having no experience at all playing for the worship team. But still, I was unaware of what I was really doing; it just sounded fun to me, playing instruments on stage and being able to help out in church. This went on for years, until the day I graduated from high school.

The time came for me to leave my home, Sabah, Tawau, to pursue a degree in UCSI University, Kuala Lumpur. My mother called one of my aunts for help, to bring me to her church because I asked for it. Although I had no clue of what I was doing, I still kept my interest to know more about God and church. That's when I started attending this church my aunt goes to, City Harvest Church KL. Now, this church is nothing like the church I attended back at home. First of all, it's a mega church, meaning, this church is HUGE and has thousands of people attending each service. It's very youthful, compared to the previous church I joined, which consist of mostly senior citizens and working adults. Second, this church practices something called "speaking in tongues “Oh boy, MAJOR “culture shock" there. On my first day there, I was so excited and happy that I'm finally in a church where there are people my age, and where praise and worship is like a concert! But then, in the middle of worship, people started blabbering and making funny sounds that definitely does not belong to any human language I know of. It was F.R.E.A.K.Y! Imagine, yourself standing among these people, who started chanting or speaking in funny words that does not make sense like they were possessed or something. It was very awkward for me, when everybody was "praying in tongues", I was just standing there, not knowing what to do.

Okay, fast forward again, to the time where I first met my cell group. Nothing much to say about my first impressions about them, I was too excited to meet everyone. It's been more than two years now being with this cell group, and these people are as awesome as always! Although we have our differences, but we still stuck together as a family. No words can express how I feel about them. I can never imagine myself being in another cell group, and I would not wish to be shifted to somewhere else even if I was given the chance to. With these people, you laugh, A LOT. Other than that, one thing I really admire about this cell group is that, the adults really try their best to set a good example to us students, especially in terms of attitude when we're serving in church and in cell group. They really try to express how much they care for us. I think it's mainly because this cell group is under the guidance of a very caring, patient and influential leader, and core members with willing hearts and are passionate to keep the cell group in shape and growing.

After a while of attending this church, my passion for God grew stronger and stronger. I was so in love, not with boys, with Christ and church. I was so driven by the passion of the people who attend this church; I began reading the bible and pray every single day, without fail. I received the gift of tongues, and I even experienced the strong presence of the Holy Spirit that came through me! (This is when you see people are being prayed for and fall on to the ground. I know... Freaky.)

Outside of church and cell group, I continue to experience God's blessings. Now this, my readers, is the main dish. I know the introduction was long, but you gotta know A LITTLE BIT about my life before you can truly understand why I want to share this with you.

See, up till now, the first half of my life here, was just filled with non-stop blessings from God, although there were obstacles, but I have never once doubted Him. I was filled with so much joy, so much passion for Christ, I could never stop praising Him, and I have never been angry at God for the things that I don't get to have, I've never complained to Him about the problems in my life. I was, kinda, like the perfect little Christian girl who goes to church excited, never worried about my problems and trusted God to handle them for me,

Oh boy...
Oh boy...
OH BOY...

I have never thought that this day would come... Boohoo~ *sad face*

If I remember correctly, starting from the mid of last year, 2014, I was gradually losing that fire for God. So things became quiet, going to church and cell group started to feel like just a routine for me. At one point, I got tired of what I was doing, serving in cell group, going to church every single Sunday and Friday night. I just wasn't as excited as I was before. I even found it a hassle to have to take a cab to go to church when I couldn't find anyone to pick me up, not to mention having to pay around RM60 just to get to church and back. I was angry, I was angry at God. Sometimes I would blame God for not having enough money to spend on daily needs. ( I mean like, c'mon! I barely have enough to eat, and now you want me to spend more money on transport to church?!) There was even this one time when I got angry at God because I lost one piece of my work from my assignment, because I carelessly misplaced it. I was crying and yelling at God, blaming him for letting this happen to me. My reason for being angry was that I worked hard for that assignment, I needed to get more than just a passing mark to sustain my grade point average to keep my student loan from the government. Not only that, I was angry at the fact that my father was not doing, financially, well, and if the government were to terminate the loan because of low grades, there will be no future for me, my family and I would have to keep struggling our whole lives just to survive, and my brother probably would not be able to further his studies after high school. GOD! HOW COULD YOU LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME?! ( I'm going to unfriend you in Facebook, unfollow you from Instagram, and block you out from my WhatsApp!)

Alright, that didn't happen... I wouldn't dare to, to be honest.

So, after all that drama... It's time to sum everything up and close. Yay! You've made it through this far! Just a little bit more!

What I realized is that from the very beginning, God has chosen me to follow Him, He sent His angels to help lead me to Him. Bit by bit, He gave me a taste of what it's like if I obey and trust in Him. He was pushing me on the bicycle with training wheels while teaching me how to steer and peddle. Now, it's time for Him to take off the training wheels.

In this phase of my life, from now on, I have to experience Him in a different way. I've grown, not only in age, but a little bit more in wisdom. It's time that I learn something new. I've tasted and seen enough of what He can do. It's time that I make use of this faith and put it in to action.

Believing in God/Christ is not just about feeling His presence when He is there; it is about seeking His presence when He is not there and believing that He will not abandon you. We just need to learn how to let go of things and let Him take charge.

Someone once told me this,
"Don’t be too hard on yourself, leave everything to God, and He will make something better out of it."

As said in Proverbs 16:3

"Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and He will establish your plans."